We all have a finite amount of time on this Earth, and I cannot think of a single reason why you should spend any of yours on The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. It's not that it's the worst film I've ever seen, or even seen this year. It's that, despite its title, it is only a movie in the flimsiest, most meager sense of the word. It's a moving picture that tells a story, albeit incoherently. But more than anything, it is a tedious commercial for all things Nintendo.
Look, I'm not going to pretend I'm above such animated ads masquerading as entertainment. I grew up in the '80s, when a barrage of animated shows and movies were launched for the sole purpose of selling fluffy toys and poseable action figures to kids. We had Care Bears, He-Man, Pound Puppies, Popples, G.I. Joe, My Little Pony, and a bunch more I can only vaguely remember as colorful, squiggly imitators. We also had the comical atrocities of the Bob Hoskins-fronted Super Mario Bros. movie and the inexplicable collision of live-action and animation that was The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. Admittedly, I — and many of my generation — hold unflagging nostalgia for this consumer-driven drivel. But we can do better. Movies could sell us junk without being junk themselves. Instead, though, we get the uninspired 2023 Super Mario Bros. Movie, which I described as "feel[ing] like one long commercial" in my review. I'd say there's even less reason for its smooth-brained sequel — except the last one made an obscene amount of money at the box office.
So here we are.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie sees the rise of Bowser Jr.
After running away from boarding school, Bowser's son Bowser Jr. has somehow amassed an army of minions and a ton of incredible tech to help him kidnap Princess Rosalina. Why? Because he wants to reunite with his father, Bowser, who has been imprisoned and shrunk by the Mario Bros., and build the villain fantasy world they used to share as a bedtime story. But hey, also, Rosalina is Peach's long-lost sister, though Peach doesn't remember Rosalina. So that sister-sister thread is about princess rescuing princess, while Mario and Luigi get into action-packed hijinks where they befriend Bowser briefly, only to have him get plucked by Bowser Jr. and revert back to his bad-guy habits. And somewhere in there, screenwriter Matthew Fogel sloppily loops in a lot of other Nintendo IP, like Yoshi, Fox McCloud from Star Fox, Ukiki, and more.
Bouncing between separate threads that follow Princess Peach and Toad, Mario and Luigi, and Bowser Jr., this "movie" has the pacing of a pinball game, and the same depth of character. Familiar figures from Mario Bros. games and other Nintendo properties will pop up with their signature sayings, themes, or props. But I refuse to call these Easter eggs, because that filmic concept has been completely annihilated. Filmmakers used to hide these details, so viewers needed to have a keen eye on rewatches to catch them. But studios and their toy-making merch partners don't want you to miss a single moment of nostalgia if it might induce a purchase. So, these allusions only count as Easter eggs if your family's tradition meant decorating eggs haphazardly and then just tossing them into the middle of a room, where a white carpet makes sure any bit of color is sure to be spotted.
Speaking of colors…
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is an offensive eyesore.
I don't know what my eyes did to offend directors Aaron Horvath and Michael Jelenic, who also helmed the 2023 Super Mario Bros. Movie. But their revenge on my poor peepers is this movie and its onslaught of too much.
Granted, I lament cinema's decades'-old trend of favoring green/gray color schemes that seem to regard vibrant color as an offense to good taste. But The Super Mario Galaxy Movie goes so hard in the other direction that the color palette is ocular violence. The most aggressive sequence happens in a casino, where every wall is another gaming floor. Horvath and Jelenic fill each frame with characters, props, and color on color on color. Greens and pinks and blue compete for focus as Peach gets into an argument with a surly frog man named Wart. And every frame feels overloaded like a child's sticker book.
Perhaps this layering of sparkles and stuff is meant to excite children, to thrill young minds raised on screens, hungry for an endless fit of stimuli. But kids deserve better than this soulless parade of color and motion devoid of meaning.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie is basically a kaleidoscope with a sales pitch. At least '80s cartoons pretended to be about something with their earnest PSA messaging. What are kids meant to learn from this movie? I can't think of a single thing.
Chris Pratt leads a cast of shrugging voice actors.
The slapdash New York accent Pratt offers in this movie suggests that he once watched the trailer for My Cousin Vinny. Anya Taylor-Joy meets that level, delivering a Peach that is cheerily one-note.
The verve Charlie Day and Jack Black brought to Luigi and Bowser was one of the few undeniable joys of the first film, which offered Black's bizarre but thrilling power ballad, "Peaches." Here, they once again commit, but there's no room for a showcase of their talents. Even the surprising enthusiasm indie filmmaker Benny Safdie brings as Bowser Jr. can't find footing in this chaotic spattering of plot and conflict.
The movie's promo tour assures fans that Brie Larson, Donald Glover, and Glen Powell pursued their roles as Rosalina, Yoshi, and Fox McCloud out of a pure love of the game. That may be true. But it's difficult to see how that makes any difference in a movie where every character that's not Mario is treated like a cameo.
Now, I don't hate this movie. I hate what it so nakedly stands for. With the rise of the internet and streaming, movie theaters are in a grim battle to keep audiences interested. And despite seeing such heartening box-office successes for original movies like Sinners, Weapons, and KPop Demon Hunters, we're also being served horrendously unoriginal, ugly, and uninspired trash like this. It's not meant to challenge us or thrill us. Movies like this are meant to distract us briefly from the world on fire and then urge us to buy something. It's the worst part of TikTok and Saturday morning cartoons invading theaters masquerading as cinema. Like its predecessor, it may make tons of money, but that won't make it good.
Simply put, The Super Mario Galaxy Movie could have been a cut scene.
