I Know Why My Son Moved Back Home. I’m Scared to Find Out Why He’s Staying.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I am a 72-year-old man. My wife died about six months ago. She was sick for a year before and our son, our only child, moved in to help me take care of her for her last eight months. His lease was ending anyway so he needed to move somewhere, but he suggested at the time that it would make sense for him to be in the house with us, and we both agreed. My wife was very happy to have her son with her during her last months, and he did help me out a lot.

Because of the timing of his move back into our home, we didn’t discuss rent or how long he would stay. Anyway, he’s still here and he has not been paying anything. I don’t technically need him to pay, but I am I guess you’d say “aware” that I’m paying for most of the groceries and all of the utilities and taxes (I own my home) and he’s not paying anything (he does get groceries sometimes). We watch TV together most nights, and we take turns making dinner when we’re here.

But now that we are out of the first big wave of grief, I keep finding myself wondering why he is still here. He’s a young man in his 20s and it just doesn’t make sense that he is living here with me and spending all his time here except for when he’s working. He says he sees his friends at work. Sometimes I wonder if he is just here for the free rent or if he is worried about me, and I don’t like either answer. He works in a restaurant and has a very erratic schedule, but I know he makes money and can afford his own place. If he’s just here for the free rent, I would find that annoying. But I think if he said he was here because he felt bad about me being lonely, I wouldn’t like that either. Should I charge him rent so that he will move out?

—Confused Dad

Dear Confused Dad,

The two of you need to have a conversation. Easier said than done, I know. You’ve had a hard year, and it’s likely that neither of you is quite sure how to move forward. But right now, you’re operating on assumptions, and your son might be, too. Guessing at each other’s intentions won’t get you anywhere and, in fact, it might be setting a foundation for resentment to build.

Ask your son to sit down and talk. Tell him you want to discuss the living arrangement and what it should look like now that the crisis has passed. You can ask him directly whether he’s hoping to stay or whether he’s worried about leaving you alone. If you’re not lonely and you don’t really need him there for practical support, tell him that clearly, and let him know that his care for you is appreciated but not required. Give him a few other ways he can show up for you: weekly dinners, regular phone calls, or even just being connected with your neighbors or friends in case you need something and can’t get a hold of each other.

If the rent thing bothers you, that’s totally understandable. Let him know that if he wants to stay, he’ll need to contribute to expenses. Or, if it’s your preference for him to move out, let him know it’s time for him to start looking for his own place. Whatever your limits are, frame them as a matter of fairness and clarity rather than frustration. That way, the conversation will feel more like a plan than you pushing him away.

The most important way to go about this is to let him know that you appreciate his presence and his concern, and that you both miss his mother, but that you will be okay. Your son might be grieving more than you realize, and he may also be afraid of losing you. Approach the conversation with that in mind, assume his best intentions, and be clear about your own needs and boundaries. The two of you will need a plan for how you’ll stay connected, what you should do in case of an emergency, and what the transition period will look like as he finds another place to stay. But the first step in figuring that out is to sit down and talk about your expectations rather than just guessing at them.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m nearing 26 and I feel so far behind! I have a good reason: I live with a serious and chronic mental health condition.

There are a lot of things I want to achieve; importantly, I want success in my career. My mental health is likely to remain so rocky that I’m not sure what I want is possible for me. I do everything I can to stay well. I take all of my medication, I go to therapy, I practice self-care, and I still feel like I’m treading water with my head barely above the surface.

I’ve reached some of my goals, but I don’t measure up to my peers. They’re making money, getting promotions, and working on interesting things; while I expend a huge amount of energy just trying to feel Fine. I’m jealous. I know my reality is different from theirs. How do I accept it?

—Falling Behind

Dear Falling Behind,

I can relate to the feeling of not being caught up to your peers. On the surface, it seems like you’re comparing yourself to them, but I wonder if some of that comparison is actually with yourself. You probably have a lot of potential, and you might be ruminating on how much of that potential has been wasted because of the time you’ve spent managing your health.

Of course, ruminating over this fact also takes time and energy. But as a ruminator myself, I also know it’s not easy to just turn it off. So how do you learn to accept your progress when it feels slower than you’d like? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but I’ll throw out a few approaches you can try.

Try naming exactly what the other person has that you want, then find a small, concrete step you can take to find your own version of that. Then, the next time you notice yourself feeling jealous or playing the comparison game, think of it as information (“I want the freedom to be able to take a relaxing vacation, too, so I will save $25 today towards that”) rather than a commentary on your self-worth (“I should have much more money by now!”). Reframing is a really simple mental tool, but it’s surprisingly powerful in practice.

You could also limit your exposure to the things that might be triggering your jealousy. If certain social media accounts spike your anxiety and trigger this rumination, mute them. If conversations in real life are full of friends bragging about their accomplishments, gently excuse yourself from them. You can even let your friends know that it’s triggering for you. Something like, “It’s not you, I’m just struggling with feeling behind, and I’m happy for you, but I need a little space so I don’t spiral.” A good friend will understand and maybe even talk you through it, but the mere act of naming the feeling out loud might be enough to minimize it.

Try writing through it. Some research suggests that expressive writing can help people process hard feelings and reduce the intensity of those feelings when they show up later. The jealousy, the rumination, the grief you might have for the version of yourself who would’ve been further along; putting all of that on paper might help get it out of your head so you can focus on other stuff.

Another quick tip: Track your wins. Make a list of things you’re proud of, then revisit the list when you start to feel down on yourself.

A peer group might help you stay grounded, as long as that peer group is supportive and not competitive. If your goals are financial, maybe start a money circle or a financial accountability group with friends who might help nudge you along. If your goals are career related, look for communities where people support each other’s professional growth in a way that’s not based in hustle culture. Affinity groups are a great option, too, to find people who might be dealing with the same challenges you are.

It may also help to remember that everyone has something that drains their energy, even if it’s not obvious. You’re not alone. Your peers might not be managing a chronic health condition, but they’re probably carrying their own burdens: family issues, trauma, health scares, heartbreak. A lot of us feel like we’re swimming upstream, and it’s tough. It’s also very easy to get caught in the trap of thinking we “should” be doing more. Or doing something better. Or have racked up more accomplishments in life.

But we’re all going at our own pace, and the energy you spend staying healthy and taking care of yourself isn’t wasted. It’s helping you do everything else. Many people skip out on taking self-care and seriously of that and end up burning out and regretting it later. You’ve already been doing this, so in many ways, you’re already a step ahead.

—Kristin

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