My Neighbor Said Something Unacceptable to My Daughter. My Husband Refused to Step Up—So Someone Had To.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Three months ago, a couple moved into the house next to my family’s. To say they are awful would be the understatement of the century, the husband, “Jerry,” especially.

A few weeks ago, Jerry made some lewd comments to my 17-year-old daughter about her breasts when she and her 12-year-old brother “Kenneth” were getting out of her car after school (she drops him off and picks him up). I was furious, but my husband told her to ignore him. The next day, I was in my kitchen when I heard a torrent of profanity coming from the direction of my backyard. I went outside to hear Jerry screaming every obscenity imaginable (and some I didn’t know existed). I asked him through the fence what was wrong, and he said that someone had put soap in his koi pond and all the fish were dead.

A day later, I overheard Kenneth and his sister laughing about his “aim.” When I confronted them, my son admitted to throwing dishwasher pods into Jerry’s koi pond. While I certainly don’t condone killing fish to get back at that POS, I can’t say I entirely blame Kenneth, either. I also have a sense that he might not have taken matters into his own hands had my husband been a man and stood up for our daughter. The fence that is next to the koi pond separated it from a much-traveled sidewalk on the other side, so Jerry doesn’t know who was responsible for the koi’s demise. Do I have permission to look the other way?

—The Fish

Dear the Fish,

I hate what happened to the innocent koi, but that’s the least of my concerns. Kenneth’s behavior isn’t at the top of the list either. I’m most worried about your daughter. The glaring crisis here is that she was sexually harassed by an adult man—one who appears to be totally detached from social norms and decency—and you and your husband did nothing about it. You can change that now. Talk to her about what happened and how unacceptable (and not her fault) it was. Ask her how she feels. Listen. I’m also going to go ahead and suggest getting her set up with a therapist. Even if the obscene comments themselves didn’t traumatize her, your husband’s reaction is a huge indicator to me that she’s been raised by a person who is not interested in protecting her well-being, and she will have plenty of other stuff to unpack. Also, don’t spend another day deferring to him on matters related to the well-being of your kids.

I’m also worried about Jerry’s behavior escalating. You should document what happened with your daughter, along with any other incidents, and consider speaking to a lawyer and/or the police about what the law in your jurisdiction provides in terms of ways to protect your family.

Speaking of the law, please have a serious talk with your son about how his actions violate it, what would happen if he were caught, and the fact that everyone has Ring cameras now, and you just can’t do this kind of thing.

Dear Prudence,

I have never felt so taken-for-granted. My wife and I have been together for more than 50 years, married for 30-plus years. Birthdays have never been that big a deal for us—a card, a little cake and ice cream, maybe a small gift. This year I turned 77 and—nothing. She mumbled “Happy birthday” at breakfast, and that was it. Not even a cupcake with a candle. By the end of the day, I was feeling rather resentful of this neglect. But I’m not sure how to handle it. If I bring it up, there will be a fight, and she’ll feel bad about it, but it won’t change anything and will just make her feel guilty. I have no wish to do that. Should I just forget it and hope she does better for my 78th? Or am I just being silly about this?

—Happy Birthday To Me, I Guess

Dear Happy Birthday,

“If I bring it up, there will be a fight, and she’ll feel bad about it, but it won’t change anything and will just make her feel guilty” does not represent a great outlook on your ability to handle tough conversations as a couple. I feel weird about advising you on how to do that since you’ve been married about 40 years longer than I have and seemingly don’t have any huge problems (if you did, this one wouldn’t have registered). Still, I don’t want you to resign yourself to the idea that expressing a feeling will be futile and/or harmful to your relationship. I can think of three ways to address this, and I’ll list them starting with the highest effort and most intense option and ending with the most delicate and casual:

1. Couple’s therapy! It’s never too late! You two could live 20 more years, and it would be wonderful to talk to someone who could help you feel safe communicating with each other about big problems, small disappointments like this one, and all the deeper stuff that may be (almost certainly is) behind the minor conflicts.

2. Tell her how you felt about the lackluster birthday, mentioning your sadness but also emphasizing your concern about whether something has changed on her end and whether there’s anything in your relationship that needs attention.

3. Move past this specific incident and gently ask her whether everything is OK and if there's anything she wants or needs from you that she's not getting. Hopefully, this can be the beginning of an investigation into her mood and mindset (which could be about you, or just about life) without making her defensive.

   Then, before your next birthday, make a small request that communicates that you would like to celebrate, like, “I was thinking I’d like to try the new restaurant in town for my birthday,” or “ Are you up for having a little celebration with just us? I would love to have cake and ice cream with you.”

Prudie Wants to Hear From You!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays forSlate Plusmembers. Write to us!Or submit a question here.

Dear Prudence,

My wife and a friend of over 40 years had a disagreement. This friend had a temper tantrum during a game they’ve been playing with two other women about a certain rule in the game. She threw her purse and stormed off. My wife was stunned.

A few days later, these other women sent her a text saying they don’t want her in the game anymore. My wife was not part of the discussion and would not have voted her out. So, our friend asked my wife if she was leaving the game. My wife likes the others and said she was staying. Now, this friend is angry, and they are not talking, which affects our social life. Any thoughts?

—Game Gone Wrong

Dear Game Gone Wrong,

Your social life will be fine without a person who throws temper tantrums and purses and gets mad at people for things they didn’t have anything to do with. It’s tough when someone is mad at you (or your spouse), but you and your wife shouldn’t take any action except to continue being the reasonable ones in the situation.

Classic Prudie

I have been dating my girlfriend for three years. She is wonderful, intelligent, caring, and independent. I love her more than anything and hope to spend the rest of my life with her. I am committed to working through any difficulties with her, but I am having a horrible personal failing in one area of conflict: my girlfriend rescues animals. She is a registered foster with a local non-profit and also rescues any critter she finds in need. She has eight cats and three dogs, and a virtual menagerie of other animals has passed through her house (hawk, baby raccoon, injured mice, injured birds, livestock, etc).